Death to Brokenness

We are gathered here in remembrance of Brokenness. Brokenness has affected and touched all of our lives in one way or another. It might look different with each story told – but Brokenness lived and people were affected because of him. 

To some, Brokenness was, at times, our go to at night. Instead of sleeping, you would lay awake conversing with Brokenness about how messed up we are. We found comfort in the sorrow and tears Brokenness brought – letting him continue telling us how unloved we are, how unworthy we are, and that we were too broken to be fixed and redeemed. 

Brokenness made it easy for us to believe we were all we had. No one noticed us. Smiles are fake. Kind words of encouragement from others were actually just to further their own agendas. Friends were fake. Family doesn’t care. And if all these people who were “good” didn’t care – that maybe – just maybe… we shouldn’t care either. 

Brokenness pushed up and pushed us… MAN!!! If only it could have been for the better – what a difference that would have made. But instead, Brokenness pushed to the point of begging, crying, and screaming for help as we fell further into the only thing we thought would bring us comfort… everything Brokenness told us would help… the cuts, the pills, the drugs, the alcohol, the sex, even suicide… If only we would have confided in someone other than Brokenness.

Brokenness lived a life that affected many – he found joy in the sadness, the hurting, the depressed, and the afflicted… and he still does to those that let him continue to live. But I’m asking you to put him to death and confide in the ONE that brings true comfort. The ONE who makes beauty from ashes. The ONE who redeems. The ONE who heals. The ONE who defeated brokenness and death so that we can do the same. Put Brokenness to death and allow Christ to live in you instead and see the difference that only He can make. 

Against the Odds

Parenting is hard. I was blessed with two amazing kids who continue to grow and teach me things along the way. God has given me these two gracious, gentle, determined, loving redheads who continuously show Christ love. I think He did this because He knew I would acquire two more children, through my second marriage, that would push me and grow me in ways and areas that I never knew even existed.

Blending a family is hard work. 67-80% (depending on the source) of second marriages end in divorce. 1 in 4 second marriages end by the 5th year of marriages. Only 2 out of 3 second marriages make it to their 10 year anniversary…even less make it longer than that. One of the reasons for this is because it is hard to blend a family…kids, ex-spouses, co-parenting, etc…

As my husband and I enter our 6th year of marriage and coming up on our 8th year together this late summer… I will tell you, without God as our center and foundation, there is NO WAY, we would still be together… Not because we don’t love each other – we truly do, but nothing prepares you for walking through parenting kids that don’t want to be parented, have a mother, that for the longest times, was all about being their friend and having them involved in a lifestyle that was far less than ideal, mental health issues, sexual abuse, and addiction.

With this Mother’s Day just passing, I was very spoiled and loved on all weekend by my two biological children and my husband. The other two were in Kansas. These two kids have lived with us the majority of the last 7 years. They moved back with their mother last year. I have been the “mean mom” over and over during our time together. I have taken them to counseling, sat with them when they cried about their mom not loving them or her lifestyle, or drugs (whatever it was in the season), let them scream, yell, cuss, spit, and even at times become abusive towards me (without me retaliating). I have been to court for/ with them numerous times. I have been by their side as their mother was in ICU as she almost succeeded in killing herself. I have let them confide in me. I have been there to encourage them and push them. I have encouraged a relationship with their mom for their sake. I have been honest with them. I prayed for them. I cried for them. I loved them. But I did not hear from them for Mother’s Day… but that’s ok.

My husband very rarely hears from them either. The only time he hears from them or their mother is when it’s chaotic. When there is an emergency – which is more often than we would like to admit. Like today actually… he talked to the oldest and her mother. It wasn’t a good call.. it was another chaotic call. My heart breaks for my husband. He has done everything possible to save these kids. I have seen him drive 3 hours to pick them up when they were homeless and hadn’t ate in 3 days. I have seen him cry and feel powerless when he gets a frantic call from his daughter at 5am because she is so messed up on meth that she doesn’t know what is happening. I have seen him fight for them in court and spend $10k + on court fees/attorneys to still not have sole custody and see them go right back to the life that is damaging them. I have seen him completely broken in one breath and strong in loving towards them in the next. I have seen him on his knees praying for them. Standing and asking for healing for them. I have seen him trust and push into God when people would normally turn away from God.

Through being a blended family, we have fully learned to parent from our knees. What does that even mean? It means we pray for God to intervene in all our kids lives on a regular basis. We pray that He guides us to love when it’s hard. We pray to help us forgive and to be an example to our kids. We pray for the two that live with us, for God to work in and through them, and for the chaos that has been around does not even come close to damaging them… and it hasn’t (Thank you Jesus). We are in constant awe of Trin and Z’s (the younger two) spiritual maturity and relationship with Christ. We pray safety around the older two in Kansas (this may not seem like a huge prayer – but believe me, it is). We pray that when we are not around that they all remember our words, actions, deeds, and know we love them. Most importantly, we pray that God’s word does not return void, that the seeds that were planted will produce fruit, and that they remember the God loves them regardless of what is happening in their lives right now.

We pray for our marriage too. Being a blended family is hard… it’s even harder when you add extras on top of that. I will share with you something that our pastor from Kansas told me when I was contemplating annulling our marriage only 3 months after we were married… (things got really crazy when we got married). He said, ” God has anointed this marriage. It is up to you to stick with it. You can follow what you know and leave and continue that chain…(I come from a family of a lot of divorces, I was divorced, and people leave when it gets hard) or you can break that cycle. Let God work in and through this marriage and change what you know and what your kids know.” From that moment on, we knew that we were in this for the long haul (Thank you, Pastor Paul).

The enemy knew too. He has continued to throw things at us and our kids… He probably will too.. But as the Bible tells us – We are overcomers… and our lives, our marriage, and our kids will show that. All to the glory of Him. We know that we don’t have to be a statistic… and we won’t. I have never settled for the statistics that have been placed on me and don’t plan to start now. We know that even when we don’t understand and when our reality of what is happening is bleak and hopeless – we remember the true reality of what is happening and that it is no surprise to God – He has it all handled.

So to all the parents out there – to all the husbands and wives out there – when it seems like there is no hope in the situation… remember that we are only seeing the right now and the reality of the right now isn’t the reality tomorrow or the true reality of what God is doing and can see. Keep getting up. Keep loving. Keep forgiving. Keep trying. and when you can’t get up… when you can’t keep loving or forgiving or trying… do not be ashamed and reach out to those that will walk through it with you… and most importantly – KEEP PRAYING.

Hello May!

I cannot believe it is May already!! I love May! May brings an end and a beginning. What exactly does this mean? May is the end of Spring and the beginning of Summer. So a change of the seasons. This is huge for our family this year. We have been in a season of transition lately and I feel like this that transition is starting to wind down and we are starting to find a new normal. Not there yet, but close… plus its only the begining of May – not the end…

May is also the end of the school year. This year that means an end to Elementary School for our family. Our youngest will be starting Middle School. I am still not sure how this happened so fast. This also means an end of Middle School for our youngest daughter and starting High School. Even though we have an older daughter, this is kind of new thing for us too (our oldest did online and alternative schooling). So we are excited for this new beginning with these two.

Along with these beginnings and ends I talked about already, we like to look at things a little bit more personally too. What is it that I need to start doing? What is it that I need to stop doing? Goals? Vision? Etc… i know a lot of people do this with the new year but what about throughout the year? Do you check in with yourself to see how things are going? Do you check in with God? Your kids? Your spouse?

I would encourage you to check in and think things through at the seasons changing.. kind of like changing the smoke alarm batteries when its time to change the clocks… You do this so you make sure if smoke happens – you know – you can get out or put the fire out… same thing with ourselves… we need to check in with ourselves to make sure there isn’t something smoking we should pay attention to. So many times we get so far along and all of a sudden we are like, “How did I get here?” or “When did that happen?” When we continue to go-go-go and just let life happen and don’t take the time to actually live – we start to become jaded to the things that really matter. Check your batteries and change them if need be.

One way we do this is by writing down our vision, goals, what God has downloaded to us, etc… What is it you want? Write it down. So many times we know what we want but we lack the confidence to ask God for it, write it down, and work towards it.

So take the time this month to put an end to things that need to end. Start doing things or prepare for the new season in your life and family’s life.

Much love & blessings!

Listen – Argue – Go – Don’t Go: Transitions

At the end of my last post, I finished it with:

be Brave.

be Courageous.

be Confident.

Trust. Embrace. Go.

These words hold such meaning to me. At the end of 2017, I was struggling with what I was doing job wise, identity, and calling… none of which should inter-relate. you are not what you do, your identity is not in your calling or your job…. but that is a whole blog in itself. So back to struggling… I was struggling with these and praying about it all A LOT.

Coming into the new year – 2018 – I knew I wanted to refind myself and my identity in Christ. To truly start following Him more than anything I did. Praying more about 2017 and what I wanted 2018 to look like: God downloaded the message I shared with you:

be Brave.

be Courageous.

be Confident.

Trust. Embrace. Go.

Little did I know what that would hold or truly mean. When I wrote those words for the first time, I didn’t understand the why behind it. But, now I know that was God’s answer to the prayers and struggles I had been dealing with for the months prior. He was preparing me to take the steps I knew I should have taken a year ago.

So I looked at 2018 as a year to say, “Yes.” To trust. To embrace whatever was going on. And to just Go… whatever that looked like. I still struggled with purpose in some things I was doing that most people would question and be like, “how could you question if that’s God’s work or calling on your life…” I received a lot of compliments for what I was doing and how positive the changes were in what I was doing BUT it didn’t feel right to me. I knew there was something missing for me.

Steven and I spoke/argued a lot over the last year about some things regarding God calling us elsewhere – church wise. I didn’t want to go. Our church was comfortable. Our kids had grown up in this church. Then God started to show himself more and more to me and Steven both…followed by Trinity. When your 13 year old comes to you about wanting and needing to grow more spiritually (all on her own and out of the blue) – you can’t deny God is trying to get your attention.

So here we are – taking some steps of faith. I stepped down from my job at a church that we loved and were obsessed with at one point, I have no job, and we are starting a new church while finishing up our season at our old church with our daughter going on her last mission trip with them. For what?? Why?? Because God calling you out away from conformity and comfort is SO MUCH MORE IMPORTANT. We have always said we will follow and want His desires to be our desires – but if we don’t follow, how can we actually say that? He gives us just enough of the path to keep us going…

Some things that I have learned in such a short amount of time during this transition:

• I don’t know what the future looks like. I do know that my unknown future is being trusted to a very big known God…and I am okay with that.

• Transitions are painful and can be messy – especially if you wait too long to follow what God’s told you to do – but there is beauty and a sense of freedom in and through the transition.

• Hindsight is 20/20 – and things always look different from the outside.

• My husband is the spiritual head of our household – I should learn to be more submissive (uh oh – bad word… insert eye roll) to that (sometimes lol) versus fighting and being so stubborn.

• My husband wants the very very best for me – He has shown me Christ-like love like I had never seen throughout this last year.

• People, first and foremost – my husband, believe in me and my calling to write (books/blogs/articles) and speak more than I believe in myself. (Thank you God that we can do more than we believe through you!).

• Be more concerned about pleasing and living for God than people… a lot of people say this – few live this.

• When God gives you a word – DO NOT BE AFRAID TO FOLLOW!

Whatever you are wanting to do, what you feel God is calling you to do –  Don’t be scared to do it….

be Brave.

be Courageous.

be Confident.

Trust. Embrace. Go.

Who or What are you Following?

What is leading you? Maybe I should say, “Who is leading you?” Maybe you don’t realize you are being lead… maybe I should say, “What are you following? Who are you following? What or who are you letting shape your views, insights, world?”

I am a Christian. I would say that the “who” I follow answer is Jesus. That is my heart. I want to lead, love, and live a life that emulates Jesus. I want to follow Jesus. I want Him to lead me. Even with that being said and truly being my heart, I have found recently that that is not always the case. Due to some recent changes in life, God has really revealed to me that while my heart is for Him, I was also being influenced and led by others. Other people, the church, social media, the news, etc… There are so many “others” that help lead us and we don’t even realize it. My blinders have been torn off.

I never realized, until recently, how much I let my thoughts, actions, and decisions be based on what was good for people in general and for the church… Now, I know that doesn’t sound like bad decisions. And in general, this led to good outcomes for those involved, but just because it was good for all those involved, doesn’t mean it was God’s best for me and my family.

Somewhere in the last year and a half, my focus went from the mission God had for me.. I just started “doing” instead of following. I was following comfort verses seeking God’s direction and following. It was easier to stay with what I knew. So that is what I followed. Conformity. Being comfortable. This, conformity and being comfortable, is what so many of us end up following.

So why is this? I think its because it is what is known. It is EASY – even when we think its hard for a moment – we know it is so much easier than what God is calling us to. Staying on the path we know and have been on for so long is easy. The path is worn, we could do it with our eyes closed, and we start relying on and doing things within our own strength and abilities. This is a problem.

We are not called to walk a worn path that we can do with our eyes closed, know every turn, and can do within our own strength. We are called to step out onto an unknown path with Jesus guiding us. Its scary. What does the next turn bring? I don’t know. The unknown scares us – which is why so many of us choose to stay on our own path verses HIS path. I don’t want to do life within my comfort zone. I don’t want to do life within my own strength. That part – my strength – is what is scary to me. I know I have this crazy determination, wisdom, and perseverance in me crafted from my past… so I know, whatever God has for me will force me to fully rely on Him. But I would rather do that than to continue to struggle with the fact that I know I am not walking in what He is calling me to do.

Step out of your comfort zone – whatever that is… Know that you don’t have to – nor should you follow a trend, status, titles, jobs, etc.. – You don’t have to let these things lead you.  The only really direction and confirmation you need is from Jesus.  If He is calling you to step out and have faith – then He has it all planned out. You don’t have to – He does. You just have to trust. Let Jesus lead you more than anyone, anything, or any place. Take the step.

be Brave.

be Courageous.

be Confident.

Trust. Embrace. Go.

Jaded No More: Abortion

Did you know that September is #ShoutYourAbortion month… The founders of this movement want to normalize abortion… Normal – conforming to a standard; usual, typical, or expected. I don’t want abortion to be the expected, the standard, or typical. I won’t go into the details of exactly what happens during an abortion – but the overview is that you go in pregnant and come out not pregnant. It is, in putting it very loosely – a “forced miscarriage.”  I say its murder. Now, before you think I am just a pro-life woman who doesn’t know what I am talking about or has never been in someones shoes with a crisis pregnancy situation – you are wrong.

I will be 33 the first week of October. September 27th is the 17th anniversary of MY ABORTION. So if you do the math, you will see that I was just days away from my 16th birthday when I had the abortion done. So bare with me while I tell you this part of my story… Stomach the details and read through to the end… Maybe I can open your eyes to something… (Comments will be monitored on this thread – you all are entitled to your opinions and I am okay with that. You are more than welcome to email them to me. I am a big girl and can handle that…but I will not allow the ugliness and ignorance of some people to bash and create a space of bullying on a post that could change someones trajectory and point them to Jesus, redemption, healing, etc…I will delete such comments).

The night before my abortion, I could not sleep well. Every time I closed my eyes I was having the same dream. A dream so horrific that I woke up having a panic attack and tears streaming down my face. (This will be detailed in my book).

The morning of, I was extremely nauseated. This wasn’t too out of the ordinary because I suffered from major morning sickness – but this time seemed so much worse since I couldn’t eat anything either. I remember being so disgusted that they seemed so nonchalant about this being done. Jokes and talking the whole way. I felt as if I was going to a funeral – I was. I was going to the murder & funeral of my baby. Then we pulled up – Outpatient Services for Women – Dr. Patel. I wanted to cry so badly. I didn’t. I wanted to be “strong.”

“Hi – checking in for my abortion.” Uggh…. So nonchalant. So dead inside. I wasn’t sure I was even really there. The staff walked around like they actually liked their jobs. How could they be so happy with what they were doing? I kept asking myself this as I am going through the pre-op. I was disgusted with everything and everyone – including myself. I was prepping to kill my baby. Then a different nurse walks in. “Oh my gosh!!! I LOVE your purse. Where in the world did you get it??!!” Seriously, lady?? I wanted to scream and run out. Still no tears. I had to be “strong.”

Sitting in the chair/bed contraption. In walks Dr. Patel. I. HATED. HIM. I didn’t know him but I hated him in those moments and for years to come. Medication kicks in.. I start getting woozy and dozing off… Before I actually go all the way out, I hear “She’s 8-12 weeks along..” WAIT!!!! PLEASE STOP!!! NNNOOOO…. I screamed that…in my head. I couldn’t speak and then I was out. I woke up in recovery… (Again, this will be detailed more in the book).

Recovery for a few minutes and then we were outside waiting for mom’s boyfriend. It’s the last of September in Oklahoma – it’s still pretty warm outside. I was in a tremendous amount of pain – emotionally and physically. I laid in a parking space and laid my head on the curb. I can still remember the feeling of the concrete and warmth on my face. I laid there with tears streaming down my face praying to a God I didn’t really know…

That weekend I spent at my moms house. My dad had no idea I had it done. When he picked me up, he was told I wasn’t feeling well.. that’s what I went along with. I didn’t talk the whole way home. As we are driving into Mustang on HWY 152, the first church I ever attended was having an antiabortion rally all along the road on both sides. “ABORTION IS MURDER” “MURDERER” “ABORTION = HELL” “GOD HATES ABORTIONIST”

I wanted to die. I contemplated suicide.

The next few years, I spiraled downward. I became more depressed the more time went by. I turned to temporary fixes to try and make me happy. Guys, food, alcohol. Every year when my birthday came, I was reminded of what I had done. I looked like I was fine and moved on…but in reality I was dying more and more inside as time went on. I thought keeping it all in, “dealing with it”  myself, and keeping quiet made me “strong.”  It actually made me colder and harder. I use to take pride in the fact that I wasn’t a “crier.”  It meant I was “strong.”

Fast forward….

When I had my daughter, Trinity, (2004) I dealt with depression and guilt more than I ever could imagine. I kept it in for the most part. It was apparent to my spouse. We decided I needed to be on anti-depressants. I did that for about two years. That helped some but horrible thoughts still haunted me on a regular basis. I still hated myself at certain times when I looked at my daughter, my birthday rolled around, or friends struggled with infertility.  Three years after my daughter was born, I had my son. All the same feelings of hatred for myself, shame, disgust, guilt, etc… all came flooding back.

Then…

On our way back from Amarillo, Texas – we stopped in Groom, Texas. It has one of the world’s tallest crosses, life-size depictions of the story of Jesus and the cross, and an abortion memorial. I had no idea about the memorial. It truly is a beautiful but heartbreaking thing.

I broke. No more holding it in. I completely broke and cried immediately and for the next couple hours on the drive home. I am thankful that my kids were so young, 1 and 4, that they didn’t realize what was happening and slept most of the way. At first, it was guilt and shame… confirmed how much God must hate me…  That day really was the start of change for me though. I had finally let myself grieve for my child verses hating myself.

After that day, my depression started to lessen. I only grieved and thought about the abortion and how much hatred I had for myself around my birthday and my kids’ birthdays.

Fast forward a few years and a lot of life (again this stuff will be in the book), I recommitted my life to Christ, but I still struggled with self-hatred and shame – a lot.

Until…

I had finally released all the hurt, pain, unforgiveness, shame,  guilt, etc… to Him. I physically felt 1000lbs weight lifted off of me that night. I began to truly heal that night. That was 12 years after my abortion. Two years after that, I found out the doctor who had performed my abortion had also molested some of his patients while they were under, as well as dispose of the aborted babies at a garbage dump…in trash bags. That sent me into a season of hurting but healing. There was still a sense of guilt and shame with my abortion. This is the one sin that I thought was too big and too bad for God to use to bring good (Romans 8:28). How naive I was???!!!

A year later, Our Sr. Pastor would send one of our students to me. She was contemplating abortion. She was scared, confused, and just looking for truth and no judgement. I shared with her the raw details of it all. I listened to her. I saw her cry. I saw her heart. I let her tell me her reasons why she wanted an abortion. I listened to why she wanted to keep her baby.  We cried together and prayed together. She left that day leaning towards keeping her baby. She wavered back and forth for the next couple months…

She ended up keeping her baby. She recently credited me for her getting to be a mom…For her son being alive… I credit God. God has such a plan and purpose for her and her son’s life. I actually get to babysit him for the first time, on the 17th anniversary of my abortion. Look at God! I get the privilege of seeing this beautiful young woman grow into this beautiful strong resilient mom who is seeking Jesus for her and her son.

See she is strong.. the real word of it. It takes a strong woman to choose the harder path. In the midst of a “crisis” pregnancy – keeping the baby is the harder path. Abortion seems like the quick easy fix at the time. It takes a strong woman to reach out and talk about things and seek Jesus and prayer. I thought I was strong… in all reality I was weak. I was so weak that the world had shaped me and controlled every aspect of me. It was only when I found a true relationship with Jesus, a church that loved and accepted me and my past – and helped me on my walk with Jesus, that I found the true me. The me that Christ created me to be.

Every year on the anniversary, I still grieve. It is not in the same aspect as before though. I grieve the absence of my child but I know that my child is with our Heavenly Father and because I have an amazing Savior named Jesus, I will get to meet my child face-to-face one day.

My child had a purpose… Scripture tells us that “I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb. Before you were born I set you apart and appointed you as my prophet to the nations” (Jeremiah 1:5). Scripture also tells us that God knows what we are going to do before we even do it (1 John 3:20). See, I think that my child fulfilled the purpose on their life. God knew what would happen before I chose it. My child – that I aborted – ended up leading me to a full relationship with Christ. God had appointed this child to lead me (the gentile – the one who did not know the True God) into a real Agape Devine Loving Real relationship with God.

Please DO NOT see this as me joining and being okay with #shoutyourabortion. I AM NOT CONDONING ABORTION. I am not proud of the fact that I had an abortion. I am simply showing how God can truly turn around every single thing for His glory. Abortion is NOT and SHOULD NOT be the norm…the expected… celebrated. I do not celebrate my abortion. I mourn because of my abortion but I celebrate the redemption of Christ. I am a murderer who deserves hell but thank GOD, I am redeemed and will get to see my child one day.

I will always claim this as MY abortion… for so long it was the enemy’s abortion… He terrorized me for years with it. But when I made it MY abortion.. I made it something I could give to God and allow Him to change the outcome of and use this hell I lived in to bring others to know Him and see more of His children born to this earth for His glory.

If you have had an abortion – God loves you. I love you. Churches that are based on a relationship with Jesus and not religious law…will love you. You can turn things around and let God work in and through you and your child.

If you are contemplating abortion – PLEASE seek an alternative. Reach out. You child has a purpose! You do not want to go down the post-abortion path either. It is hell. True hell.

Do not let abortion and the aftermath of abortion become the norm.

My Thoughts on ‘13 Reasons Why’

I do not know where to begin. I mean unless you have been living under a rock, I am sure you have heard of the show 13 Reasons Why, on Netflix. Apparently from a previously written book (side-note: I have not read the book). Let me be frank, I will piss off some with this post. Others, I will encourage, and even others I will bring to tears. It is not my intention to completely tear the show down or build it up. It is my intention to be very transparent and give my view. I would highly recommend you continue reading, no matter if you are a teen or a parent reading this.

I am relatively young (32 – I know OLD to some of you),  a mom to four (all tweens/teens), a youth leader in a ministry of about 130-150 teens, and a survivor of many things depicted in the series…. I can look at this show from a variety of angles…  I started watching this show, not because it is the IT show but because I had already seen so many things posted from our students, had a few girls coming to talk to me about things they had seen, and things that had happened to them (THANK GOD they felt comfortable enough to come to me and share their anger, sadness, confusion, guilt, and pain). I felt the only way to combat and give light to these situations and be able to fully speak Light into them, is by knowing what I was up against….So here is what I have to say.

First and foremost, If you have been raped or molested in any way – I BEG you do not watch this show. As someone who has been raped and molested (once for years off and on as a child and one time as an adult woman), I can tell you, it was sickening to watch this show and see what happened. I am an adult woman, who has overcome and forgiven the two that were involved with my abuse. I have given the shame, guilt, hurt, etc… all to God. I can openly talk about it and even tell you that as an adult woman, I had put myself in a dangerous situation with a guy I didn’t know all too well and take some responsibility for my stupidity (does not let the guy off the hook that I told no to). I know God forgives me of my actions and forgives the abusers as well. But even as a woman who is healed and talks with teen girls about their own sexual abuse (which sadly has been a regular thing the last few years), I can tell you, this show brought back EVERY memory I had of my accounts of abuse. I was sickened to my stomach and almost threw up. As I am telling my husband about it and the graphic details that are shown, I am tensed up and shaking. I had nightmares again last night, which I have been free of for a long while.

If you know of someone who was or you were raped or molested – PLEASE come forward with it. It sucks to hide and keep this crap to yourself. I did it for years! It made things worse. Get help.

Secondly, Self harm is NOT how you deal with abuse, loneliness, sadness, etc. You are wonderfully and beautifully made in the image of Christ. He cares so much about you. You are worth so much more than the cut marks on your body, then the numerous drinks you take, than the amount of drugs you inhale or ingest, or the number of guys or girls you sleep with or don’t sleep with.

This show is disgusting. I think it is horrible that rape, molestation, bullying, teens struggling with abuse at home and in school, has become such a “hit show.” I think this shows how far we have fallen. This show turns real life torture and abuse into a soap opera that, even though the rating for this show is TV-MA (meaning over the age of 17 and says adults only if you read the rating meanings) is marketed towards teens. The book was a #1 selling book in 2011 and marketed towards teens, so why wouldn’t the show be?? Will teens understand some of the feelings and on-goings at the high school depicted – yes – absolutely. I am not naive enough to think they do not know that this kind of thing is happening. This show is not the way to bring awareness to it though. This show is made to suck you in like a soap opera drama and you want to know what is going to happen next. It is just another way to desensitize society to things that should completely wreck you and make you want to do something about it, not sit on the couch and wonder whats going to happen next and if someone is going to pay for what happened.

I started watching this show to be able to speak into my students lives, and even my own kids if they end up watching it at a friends house or hearing about it. Knowledge is power. I had to force myself to finish watching the series because the images depicted and the content broke my heart and sickened me.

I seriously beg you to not let your teen watch this… If you are a teen watching this, please talk with an adult about what you are watching and feeling with this show. I’m not mad or disappointed with you. It just concerns me. Having dealt with teens who are depressed, been bullied, molested, etc…  and have had teens in these situations come to me – questioning things because it seemed that the death was – although gruesome, sad, and graphic – was almost glorified through the counting the tapes up until she dies. And now, at the end.. its not the end… it ends on a cliff hanger of the awaiting trail/what happens with the tapes, and of what another bullied kid is going to do in retaliation – which implies shooting up the school or his hit list of photographs… I wont continue watching. I can’t.

So again, I ask you to just turn it off – you want to make a difference? You want to know real life? Go befriend the kid that gets bullied. Have open conversations with your teens without judgement. Learn the warning signs and have the courage to help/say something/stop a bully/reach out. If this is you – reach out. You have a purpose.

We are called to be not of this world… to do that we have to actually be not of this world. Be bold and courageous (Joshua 1:9). Be an example of Christ. Introduce people to the Hope (Hebrews 6:19). Fill your mind with Light verses this darkness.

I love the message version of Romans 12:2, “Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out…Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you.”

Trash

Repeat after me, “I am not trash.” Sounds funny to say it, huh? Not something we tell ourselves often but maybe it should be. In today’s society, it seems that if you do not believe, agree, are society’s version of beautiful, following the latest and greatest…then you are not part of the “in” crowd. You are not worthy. You are more or less trash. You are ugly. Fat. Unlovable. Different. Quiet. Too short. Too tall. Weird. Trash. You are hurt…

Sometimes the labels don’t even come from people’s words towards us…more like the actions towards us, the circumstances around us or that happen to us. It is a sad reality when you see how the labels put on people really play a part in their lives (especially teens). I have been a youth leader for four years and worked with youth previously as well. This is something that is always in the forefront of their lives. The suicide rates show it as well.

• Suicide is the SECOND leading cause of death for ages 10-24. (2014 CDC WISQARS)

• More teenagers and young adults die from suicide than from cancer, heart disease, AIDS, birth defects, stroke, pneumonia, influenza, and chronic lung disease, COMBINED.

• Each day in our nation, there are an average of over 5,240 attempts by young people grades 7-12.

• Learn more at (http://jasonfoundation.com/prp/facts/youth-suicide-statistics/)

Those are staggering statistics. Please, if you are contemplating suicide, reach out… reach out to a hotline, a friend, parent, youth leader, teacher, even me… do something.

I remember feeling like trash growing up. It sucked. I don’t even remember not feel like trash or not good enough from the beginning of my memory. I remember constantly question why I wasn’t good enough. Why my dad thought I was like a piece of trash that could be thrown to the curb (btw, throw your trash in a trash can…not to the curb lol). My parents divorced when I was 10 months old. He has never really been in my life. I admit, I am blessed to actually know who my dad is because I know their are a lot of people and even some of my own students who don’t. I see their struggle and hurt. So I get it, I am lucky to know…but it still didn’t take away the pain of him not wanting to be in my life. What made it even worse is that he had a relationship with my brother. I remember so many times crying and wondering what I could have done for him to not love me and love my brother. THERE WAS NOTHING. I WAS A CHILD. I didn’t get that though. I was so hurt that he didn’t love me. I would watch him leave with my brother and choose not to take me with him. I felt like an obsolete piece of trash. I meant nothing to him.

That label of trash only grew stronger and more pronounced in me as I grew older. I ended up being raped and molested by a family member off and on. How could someone who is suppose to love and support you treat you in such a way?? At one point, I was quite certain another family member knew and chose not to stop it. There were drugs involved and honestly, that person may have been so high, they didn’t even know what was going on. Let the feelings of being trash and worthless compound even more. I felt as if I was not good enough to be loved, cared for, or protected.

TRASH…that’s what I was. I fully owned that label by middle school. My mom chose to leave her marriage to the guy I called my dad. She chose to leave me. Just like my biological father had chose to do…leave me. I wasn’t worth his time and love and now, at this point in my life, I wasn’t worth my mom’s time and love. I fully felt like I was trash. If my own family didn’t want me, used me, abused me, and didn’t love me…then I certainly must have been trash.

There is so much more to this story of mine, but this is where my acceptance of what the world told me I was started from. From here on out, I listened to the negative labels. I allowed myself to be used by men. I accepted the fact that my family wouldn’t care or love me. I accepted the fact I was trash…made to be used, abused, and hurt. The world I lived in created those LIES as FACTS in my head. BUT the truth is…they were then and are now…lies. The negative things you tell yourself, the labels others put on you, the circumstances that are around you that make you feel like trash… they are lies.

If what you or anyone else is telling you differently than what is written in the Bible… they are lies. The Bible says:

I am God’s child.
Galatians 3:26

I am Jesus’ friend.
John 15:15

I am a whole new person with a whole new life.
2 Corinthians 5:17

I am a place where God’s Spirit lives.
1 Corinthians 6:19

I am God’s Incredible work of art.
Ephesians 2:10

I am totally and completely forgiven.
1 John 1:9

I am created In God’s likeness.
Ephesians 4:24

I am spiritually alive.
Ephesians 2:5

I am a citizen of Heaven.
Philippians 3:20

I am God’s messenger to the world.
Acts 1:8

I am God’s disciple-maker.
Matthew 28:19

I am the salt of the earth.
Matthew 5:13

I am the light of the world.
Matthew 5:14

I am greatly loved.
Romans 5:8

Stop being jaded by what the world tells you. You can and will overcome this difficult time in your life and the lies of labels put on you.

You are not dull. You light the world…the world doesn’t light you.

2015 Writings

Just cuz I'm in Awe...

Yesterday, Sunday, August 31, My daughter and I were baptized. My daughter has been asking, begging in some cases, to be baptized for the last 2.5yrs. I kept telling her to wait and hold off until she was older. I wanted her to understand what she was doing. I did not have a choice this time... She was very matter-of-fact this time and did not ask, but told me she was doing it and why. I couldn't tell her to wait anymore. What she didn't know when she told me is that I was planning on getting baptized this time as well. God worked that timing out. Such a cool thing.
The week leading up to the baptism, my daughter was so excited... counting down the days and telling everyone she knew about it. She invited her dad and his family to come and watch her. They all decided against coming...as well as my family (which we knew wouldn't be coming). I was worried that this would discourage her but it did not. She pressed ahead with such authority, joy, and excitement about it. At times, i would catch her saying something about her family coming but that was far and and few in-between. The night before she said, "I'm so excited!" I let her and her brother sleep in the living room and fall asleep to a movie, which we don't do often... So I replied, "Because your sleeping in the living room??" She gave me a look and the immediately replied with a huge smile on her face, "Nooo... I'm getting baptized tomorrow!!!!!"
Sunday got here and she was very sure that her Student Pastor HAD to baptize her. She has known him now for 3 years but has only been in youth since May of this year. She not only had him baptize her but she chose to go first! I asked her a couple times about being nervous and NEVER once did she say or show that she was!! She got up there, did her sign, and got right in the water. She came out so happy. Her heart was so right and the joy was undeniable. I was such a proud mom and so inspired by her.

I went after her... I can't say I was excited and looking forward to the day the entire week like she was. I had a lot of anxiety leading up to this. See, God has been working in my life overtime lately. I am in constant awe of where I was and where I am now...It is all God. I could not figure out why I was having so much anxiety about my upcoming baptism...I just kept praying and asking God to show me and take away my anxiety... The Monday prior, I received an email about the process for the baptism on Sunday and as I was reading it, I had a full fledged panic attack and breakdown. I reached out to a friend about it and had another friend text me at the very moment (God's timing). They prayed for me and gave me scripture and encouraged me. Within an hour of some quiet time with God, it all came back to me. I had been baptized before.. Twice actually. Once as an infant and once when I was around the age of 10 or 11. See during this time, I was forced to a church camp where I did not attend or know anyone except one person.. the person that had molested and raped me. I was baptized the week I was there but felt like I was forced to and honestly, I was scared not to. I had pushed this memory to the very back of my mind... I continued to pray about it and the anxiety level became lower and lower. That Monday I had already had lunch plans with a woman I consider a friend and mentor. She invited me for lunch on Monday a few days prior (God's timing). I get there and we had fellowship and before I left she asked to pray for me... God painted her a picture and word for me and it was what I needed at that time. So as I went on through the week, i did decent. I would have a little anxiety creep in here and there but would continue to pray through it.

Sunday morning, I was having a lot of anxiety and almost backed out... at that moment I received a Facebook message of encouragement from a lady whom I have only actually met and been around a handful of times (God's timing). It was nothing profound or "crazy" just a few simple words that helped push me to where I needed to be. She had no idea I was getting baptized or that I needed confirmation. God is so good. So we get there and anxiety level is crazy but I know I need to do this. I was trying really hard to not show my nervousness in front of my daughter because I do not want to taint her experience in even the slightest way. Her excitement and joy were so inspiring and kept me focused. I spoke with one of our pastors shortly and he said something that I needed to hear, "This time it's for you and this one will wipe away that memory." The women prior and Pastor all said the same thing, "This is the last thing that is connecting you to your past..." I went forth and was baptized...second...right after my daughter. I cannot explain what happened. tears flowed and still do. I am in such awe of what God can do, has done, and continues to do in my life and my families life.
They were right. The past is now just that...the past. It is not who I am. God has used all of that for His glory now. I have had so much peace and am beyond excited and looking forward to this new book of my life. It is not a new chapter.. It is a whole new book...

Isaiah 60:1 (AMP): Arise [from the depression and prostration in which circumstances have kept you—rise to a new life]! Shine (be radiant with the glory of the Lord), for your light has come, and the glory of the Lord has risen upon you!

Tuesday, May 5, 2015

Do Not Let The enemy Stop You

So lately I have been spiritually attacked... A LOT! More so than I ever have been. I have been having anxiety or panic attacks. Only when I am thinking or doing something God related or headed to church. So, lets just say it happens a lot throughout the day. I can even say that it is happening right now writing this blog. My stomach is in a knot. I want to throw up. My throat is tightening up. It's kind of hard to breath and I am having to take short shallow breaths.

The closer I get to God and work on my relationship with Him and follow His direction on my life, the more I get attacked. The more I get encouraged, the Word spoke over me, and prophesied over, the more I am attacked. I know my platform is going to be huge for God's kingdom or else the enemy would not be trying so hard to stop me.

The worst attack just happened this week. Steven (my husband) encouraged me to share this. It is not easy for me to share, but writing is... so here goes.

Monday morning, Steven left for work early. So instead of getting up at 5am like I usually do, I decided to sleep in til 6am. I fell back asleep after Steven left at 5am. I woke up in a panic at 5;40am. I had just had a horrible, graphic, terrifying nightmare. I do not normally have nightmares. I actually can't remember the last time I have had a really bad dream. I am not going to share the exact details. When I called Steven after I got all the kids to school and Z (youngest was home with an ear infection) situated, I called and told him everything. I broke down as soon as he answered and asked if I was okay because he could hear something in my voice. In my dream "god" (when I woke i knew it wasn't God) told me to do (and I did - in my dream) some horrible unthinkable things.

I woke up in a panic crying and started saying the Lords Prayer in my head. I got through twice and started saying it out loud. When I started saying it out loud, I could not remember and say "lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil..." I tried over and over to say it. I could not get that sentence out, which freaked me out completely - I have known the Lords Prayer since I was 5ish. I have a copy on my wall in the kitchen - After I kept trying to say the whole prayer, I was finally able to get out the full prayer after about 5mins of trying.

Afterwards I grabbed my Bible and started reading Scriptures and praying out loud. It was one of the most terrifying things I have been through. It did not stop me though. I know that was the plan. If anything, it just made me want to push further into God, write my books, and confirmed God's calling on my life for ministry.

So if you are feeling attacked, please know that God has a purpose for your life. Keep pushing and persevere. I leave you with this... Jeremiah 29:11: For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Stand on that promise.

Much love & blessings.