Jaded No More: Abortion

Did you know that September is #ShoutYourAbortion month… The founders of this movement want to normalize abortion… Normal – conforming to a standard; usual, typical, or expected. I don’t want abortion to be the expected, the standard, or typical. I won’t go into the details of exactly what happens during an abortion – but the overview is that you go in pregnant and come out not pregnant. It is, in putting it very loosely – a “forced miscarriage.”  I say its murder. Now, before you think I am just a pro-life woman who doesn’t know what I am talking about or has never been in someones shoes with a crisis pregnancy situation – you are wrong.

I will be 33 the first week of October. September 27th is the 17th anniversary of MY ABORTION. So if you do the math, you will see that I was just days away from my 16th birthday when I had the abortion done. So bare with me while I tell you this part of my story… Stomach the details and read through to the end… Maybe I can open your eyes to something… (Comments will be monitored on this thread – you all are entitled to your opinions and I am okay with that. You are more than welcome to email them to me. I am a big girl and can handle that…but I will not allow the ugliness and ignorance of some people to bash and create a space of bullying on a post that could change someones trajectory and point them to Jesus, redemption, healing, etc…I will delete such comments).

The night before my abortion, I could not sleep well. Every time I closed my eyes I was having the same dream. A dream so horrific that I woke up having a panic attack and tears streaming down my face. (This will be detailed in my book).

The morning of, I was extremely nauseated. This wasn’t too out of the ordinary because I suffered from major morning sickness – but this time seemed so much worse since I couldn’t eat anything either. I remember being so disgusted that they seemed so nonchalant about this being done. Jokes and talking the whole way. I felt as if I was going to a funeral – I was. I was going to the murder & funeral of my baby. Then we pulled up – Outpatient Services for Women – Dr. Patel. I wanted to cry so badly. I didn’t. I wanted to be “strong.”

“Hi – checking in for my abortion.” Uggh…. So nonchalant. So dead inside. I wasn’t sure I was even really there. The staff walked around like they actually liked their jobs. How could they be so happy with what they were doing? I kept asking myself this as I am going through the pre-op. I was disgusted with everything and everyone – including myself. I was prepping to kill my baby. Then a different nurse walks in. “Oh my gosh!!! I LOVE your purse. Where in the world did you get it??!!” Seriously, lady?? I wanted to scream and run out. Still no tears. I had to be “strong.”

Sitting in the chair/bed contraption. In walks Dr. Patel. I. HATED. HIM. I didn’t know him but I hated him in those moments and for years to come. Medication kicks in.. I start getting woozy and dozing off… Before I actually go all the way out, I hear “She’s 8-12 weeks along..” WAIT!!!! PLEASE STOP!!! NNNOOOO…. I screamed that…in my head. I couldn’t speak and then I was out. I woke up in recovery… (Again, this will be detailed more in the book).

Recovery for a few minutes and then we were outside waiting for mom’s boyfriend. It’s the last of September in Oklahoma – it’s still pretty warm outside. I was in a tremendous amount of pain – emotionally and physically. I laid in a parking space and laid my head on the curb. I can still remember the feeling of the concrete and warmth on my face. I laid there with tears streaming down my face praying to a God I didn’t really know…

That weekend I spent at my moms house. My dad had no idea I had it done. When he picked me up, he was told I wasn’t feeling well.. that’s what I went along with. I didn’t talk the whole way home. As we are driving into Mustang on HWY 152, the first church I ever attended was having an antiabortion rally all along the road on both sides. “ABORTION IS MURDER” “MURDERER” “ABORTION = HELL” “GOD HATES ABORTIONIST”

I wanted to die. I contemplated suicide.

The next few years, I spiraled downward. I became more depressed the more time went by. I turned to temporary fixes to try and make me happy. Guys, food, alcohol. Every year when my birthday came, I was reminded of what I had done. I looked like I was fine and moved on…but in reality I was dying more and more inside as time went on. I thought keeping it all in, “dealing with it”  myself, and keeping quiet made me “strong.”  It actually made me colder and harder. I use to take pride in the fact that I wasn’t a “crier.”  It meant I was “strong.”

Fast forward….

When I had my daughter, Trinity, (2004) I dealt with depression and guilt more than I ever could imagine. I kept it in for the most part. It was apparent to my spouse. We decided I needed to be on anti-depressants. I did that for about two years. That helped some but horrible thoughts still haunted me on a regular basis. I still hated myself at certain times when I looked at my daughter, my birthday rolled around, or friends struggled with infertility.  Three years after my daughter was born, I had my son. All the same feelings of hatred for myself, shame, disgust, guilt, etc… all came flooding back.

Then…

On our way back from Amarillo, Texas – we stopped in Groom, Texas. It has one of the world’s tallest crosses, life-size depictions of the story of Jesus and the cross, and an abortion memorial. I had no idea about the memorial. It truly is a beautiful but heartbreaking thing.

I broke. No more holding it in. I completely broke and cried immediately and for the next couple hours on the drive home. I am thankful that my kids were so young, 1 and 4, that they didn’t realize what was happening and slept most of the way. At first, it was guilt and shame… confirmed how much God must hate me…  That day really was the start of change for me though. I had finally let myself grieve for my child verses hating myself.

After that day, my depression started to lessen. I only grieved and thought about the abortion and how much hatred I had for myself around my birthday and my kids’ birthdays.

Fast forward a few years and a lot of life (again this stuff will be in the book), I recommitted my life to Christ, but I still struggled with self-hatred and shame – a lot.

Until…

I had finally released all the hurt, pain, unforgiveness, shame,  guilt, etc… to Him. I physically felt 1000lbs weight lifted off of me that night. I began to truly heal that night. That was 12 years after my abortion. Two years after that, I found out the doctor who had performed my abortion had also molested some of his patients while they were under, as well as dispose of the aborted babies at a garbage dump…in trash bags. That sent me into a season of hurting but healing. There was still a sense of guilt and shame with my abortion. This is the one sin that I thought was too big and too bad for God to use to bring good (Romans 8:28). How naive I was???!!!

A year later, Our Sr. Pastor would send one of our students to me. She was contemplating abortion. She was scared, confused, and just looking for truth and no judgement. I shared with her the raw details of it all. I listened to her. I saw her cry. I saw her heart. I let her tell me her reasons why she wanted an abortion. I listened to why she wanted to keep her baby.  We cried together and prayed together. She left that day leaning towards keeping her baby. She wavered back and forth for the next couple months…

She ended up keeping her baby. She recently credited me for her getting to be a mom…For her son being alive… I credit God. God has such a plan and purpose for her and her son’s life. I actually get to babysit him for the first time, on the 17th anniversary of my abortion. Look at God! I get the privilege of seeing this beautiful young woman grow into this beautiful strong resilient mom who is seeking Jesus for her and her son.

See she is strong.. the real word of it. It takes a strong woman to choose the harder path. In the midst of a “crisis” pregnancy – keeping the baby is the harder path. Abortion seems like the quick easy fix at the time. It takes a strong woman to reach out and talk about things and seek Jesus and prayer. I thought I was strong… in all reality I was weak. I was so weak that the world had shaped me and controlled every aspect of me. It was only when I found a true relationship with Jesus, a church that loved and accepted me and my past – and helped me on my walk with Jesus, that I found the true me. The me that Christ created me to be.

Every year on the anniversary, I still grieve. It is not in the same aspect as before though. I grieve the absence of my child but I know that my child is with our Heavenly Father and because I have an amazing Savior named Jesus, I will get to meet my child face-to-face one day.

My child had a purpose… Scripture tells us that “I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb. Before you were born I set you apart and appointed you as my prophet to the nations” (Jeremiah 1:5). Scripture also tells us that God knows what we are going to do before we even do it (1 John 3:20). See, I think that my child fulfilled the purpose on their life. God knew what would happen before I chose it. My child – that I aborted – ended up leading me to a full relationship with Christ. God had appointed this child to lead me (the gentile – the one who did not know the True God) into a real Agape Devine Loving Real relationship with God.

Please DO NOT see this as me joining and being okay with #shoutyourabortion. I AM NOT CONDONING ABORTION. I am not proud of the fact that I had an abortion. I am simply showing how God can truly turn around every single thing for His glory. Abortion is NOT and SHOULD NOT be the norm…the expected… celebrated. I do not celebrate my abortion. I mourn because of my abortion but I celebrate the redemption of Christ. I am a murderer who deserves hell but thank GOD, I am redeemed and will get to see my child one day.

I will always claim this as MY abortion… for so long it was the enemy’s abortion… He terrorized me for years with it. But when I made it MY abortion.. I made it something I could give to God and allow Him to change the outcome of and use this hell I lived in to bring others to know Him and see more of His children born to this earth for His glory.

If you have had an abortion – God loves you. I love you. Churches that are based on a relationship with Jesus and not religious law…will love you. You can turn things around and let God work in and through you and your child.

If you are contemplating abortion – PLEASE seek an alternative. Reach out. You child has a purpose! You do not want to go down the post-abortion path either. It is hell. True hell.

Do not let abortion and the aftermath of abortion become the norm.