2015 Writings

Just cuz I'm in Awe...

Yesterday, Sunday, August 31, My daughter and I were baptized. My daughter has been asking, begging in some cases, to be baptized for the last 2.5yrs. I kept telling her to wait and hold off until she was older. I wanted her to understand what she was doing. I did not have a choice this time... She was very matter-of-fact this time and did not ask, but told me she was doing it and why. I couldn't tell her to wait anymore. What she didn't know when she told me is that I was planning on getting baptized this time as well. God worked that timing out. Such a cool thing.
The week leading up to the baptism, my daughter was so excited... counting down the days and telling everyone she knew about it. She invited her dad and his family to come and watch her. They all decided against coming...as well as my family (which we knew wouldn't be coming). I was worried that this would discourage her but it did not. She pressed ahead with such authority, joy, and excitement about it. At times, i would catch her saying something about her family coming but that was far and and few in-between. The night before she said, "I'm so excited!" I let her and her brother sleep in the living room and fall asleep to a movie, which we don't do often... So I replied, "Because your sleeping in the living room??" She gave me a look and the immediately replied with a huge smile on her face, "Nooo... I'm getting baptized tomorrow!!!!!"
Sunday got here and she was very sure that her Student Pastor HAD to baptize her. She has known him now for 3 years but has only been in youth since May of this year. She not only had him baptize her but she chose to go first! I asked her a couple times about being nervous and NEVER once did she say or show that she was!! She got up there, did her sign, and got right in the water. She came out so happy. Her heart was so right and the joy was undeniable. I was such a proud mom and so inspired by her.

I went after her... I can't say I was excited and looking forward to the day the entire week like she was. I had a lot of anxiety leading up to this. See, God has been working in my life overtime lately. I am in constant awe of where I was and where I am now...It is all God. I could not figure out why I was having so much anxiety about my upcoming baptism...I just kept praying and asking God to show me and take away my anxiety... The Monday prior, I received an email about the process for the baptism on Sunday and as I was reading it, I had a full fledged panic attack and breakdown. I reached out to a friend about it and had another friend text me at the very moment (God's timing). They prayed for me and gave me scripture and encouraged me. Within an hour of some quiet time with God, it all came back to me. I had been baptized before.. Twice actually. Once as an infant and once when I was around the age of 10 or 11. See during this time, I was forced to a church camp where I did not attend or know anyone except one person.. the person that had molested and raped me. I was baptized the week I was there but felt like I was forced to and honestly, I was scared not to. I had pushed this memory to the very back of my mind... I continued to pray about it and the anxiety level became lower and lower. That Monday I had already had lunch plans with a woman I consider a friend and mentor. She invited me for lunch on Monday a few days prior (God's timing). I get there and we had fellowship and before I left she asked to pray for me... God painted her a picture and word for me and it was what I needed at that time. So as I went on through the week, i did decent. I would have a little anxiety creep in here and there but would continue to pray through it.

Sunday morning, I was having a lot of anxiety and almost backed out... at that moment I received a Facebook message of encouragement from a lady whom I have only actually met and been around a handful of times (God's timing). It was nothing profound or "crazy" just a few simple words that helped push me to where I needed to be. She had no idea I was getting baptized or that I needed confirmation. God is so good. So we get there and anxiety level is crazy but I know I need to do this. I was trying really hard to not show my nervousness in front of my daughter because I do not want to taint her experience in even the slightest way. Her excitement and joy were so inspiring and kept me focused. I spoke with one of our pastors shortly and he said something that I needed to hear, "This time it's for you and this one will wipe away that memory." The women prior and Pastor all said the same thing, "This is the last thing that is connecting you to your past..." I went forth and was baptized...second...right after my daughter. I cannot explain what happened. tears flowed and still do. I am in such awe of what God can do, has done, and continues to do in my life and my families life.
They were right. The past is now just that...the past. It is not who I am. God has used all of that for His glory now. I have had so much peace and am beyond excited and looking forward to this new book of my life. It is not a new chapter.. It is a whole new book...

Isaiah 60:1 (AMP): Arise [from the depression and prostration in which circumstances have kept you—rise to a new life]! Shine (be radiant with the glory of the Lord), for your light has come, and the glory of the Lord has risen upon you!

Tuesday, May 5, 2015

Do Not Let The enemy Stop You

So lately I have been spiritually attacked... A LOT! More so than I ever have been. I have been having anxiety or panic attacks. Only when I am thinking or doing something God related or headed to church. So, lets just say it happens a lot throughout the day. I can even say that it is happening right now writing this blog. My stomach is in a knot. I want to throw up. My throat is tightening up. It's kind of hard to breath and I am having to take short shallow breaths.

The closer I get to God and work on my relationship with Him and follow His direction on my life, the more I get attacked. The more I get encouraged, the Word spoke over me, and prophesied over, the more I am attacked. I know my platform is going to be huge for God's kingdom or else the enemy would not be trying so hard to stop me.

The worst attack just happened this week. Steven (my husband) encouraged me to share this. It is not easy for me to share, but writing is... so here goes.

Monday morning, Steven left for work early. So instead of getting up at 5am like I usually do, I decided to sleep in til 6am. I fell back asleep after Steven left at 5am. I woke up in a panic at 5;40am. I had just had a horrible, graphic, terrifying nightmare. I do not normally have nightmares. I actually can't remember the last time I have had a really bad dream. I am not going to share the exact details. When I called Steven after I got all the kids to school and Z (youngest was home with an ear infection) situated, I called and told him everything. I broke down as soon as he answered and asked if I was okay because he could hear something in my voice. In my dream "god" (when I woke i knew it wasn't God) told me to do (and I did - in my dream) some horrible unthinkable things.

I woke up in a panic crying and started saying the Lords Prayer in my head. I got through twice and started saying it out loud. When I started saying it out loud, I could not remember and say "lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil..." I tried over and over to say it. I could not get that sentence out, which freaked me out completely - I have known the Lords Prayer since I was 5ish. I have a copy on my wall in the kitchen - After I kept trying to say the whole prayer, I was finally able to get out the full prayer after about 5mins of trying.

Afterwards I grabbed my Bible and started reading Scriptures and praying out loud. It was one of the most terrifying things I have been through. It did not stop me though. I know that was the plan. If anything, it just made me want to push further into God, write my books, and confirmed God's calling on my life for ministry.

So if you are feeling attacked, please know that God has a purpose for your life. Keep pushing and persevere. I leave you with this... Jeremiah 29:11: For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Stand on that promise.

Much love & blessings.