Against the Odds

Parenting is hard. I was blessed with two amazing kids who continue to grow and teach me things along the way. God has given me these two gracious, gentle, determined, loving redheads who continuously show Christ love. I think He did this because He knew I would acquire two more children, through my second marriage, that would push me and grow me in ways and areas that I never knew even existed.

Blending a family is hard work. 67-80% (depending on the source) of second marriages end in divorce. 1 in 4 second marriages end by the 5th year of marriages. Only 2 out of 3 second marriages make it to their 10 year anniversary…even less make it longer than that. One of the reasons for this is because it is hard to blend a family…kids, ex-spouses, co-parenting, etc…

As my husband and I enter our 6th year of marriage and coming up on our 8th year together this late summer… I will tell you, without God as our center and foundation, there is NO WAY, we would still be together… Not because we don’t love each other – we truly do, but nothing prepares you for walking through parenting kids that don’t want to be parented, have a mother, that for the longest times, was all about being their friend and having them involved in a lifestyle that was far less than ideal, mental health issues, sexual abuse, and addiction.

With this Mother’s Day just passing, I was very spoiled and loved on all weekend by my two biological children and my husband. The other two were in Kansas. These two kids have lived with us the majority of the last 7 years. They moved back with their mother last year. I have been the “mean mom” over and over during our time together. I have taken them to counseling, sat with them when they cried about their mom not loving them or her lifestyle, or drugs (whatever it was in the season), let them scream, yell, cuss, spit, and even at times become abusive towards me (without me retaliating). I have been to court for/ with them numerous times. I have been by their side as their mother was in ICU as she almost succeeded in killing herself. I have let them confide in me. I have been there to encourage them and push them. I have encouraged a relationship with their mom for their sake. I have been honest with them. I prayed for them. I cried for them. I loved them. But I did not hear from them for Mother’s Day… but that’s ok.

My husband very rarely hears from them either. The only time he hears from them or their mother is when it’s chaotic. When there is an emergency – which is more often than we would like to admit. Like today actually… he talked to the oldest and her mother. It wasn’t a good call.. it was another chaotic call. My heart breaks for my husband. He has done everything possible to save these kids. I have seen him drive 3 hours to pick them up when they were homeless and hadn’t ate in 3 days. I have seen him cry and feel powerless when he gets a frantic call from his daughter at 5am because she is so messed up on meth that she doesn’t know what is happening. I have seen him fight for them in court and spend $10k + on court fees/attorneys to still not have sole custody and see them go right back to the life that is damaging them. I have seen him completely broken in one breath and strong in loving towards them in the next. I have seen him on his knees praying for them. Standing and asking for healing for them. I have seen him trust and push into God when people would normally turn away from God.

Through being a blended family, we have fully learned to parent from our knees. What does that even mean? It means we pray for God to intervene in all our kids lives on a regular basis. We pray that He guides us to love when it’s hard. We pray to help us forgive and to be an example to our kids. We pray for the two that live with us, for God to work in and through them, and for the chaos that has been around does not even come close to damaging them… and it hasn’t (Thank you Jesus). We are in constant awe of Trin and Z’s (the younger two) spiritual maturity and relationship with Christ. We pray safety around the older two in Kansas (this may not seem like a huge prayer – but believe me, it is). We pray that when we are not around that they all remember our words, actions, deeds, and know we love them. Most importantly, we pray that God’s word does not return void, that the seeds that were planted will produce fruit, and that they remember the God loves them regardless of what is happening in their lives right now.

We pray for our marriage too. Being a blended family is hard… it’s even harder when you add extras on top of that. I will share with you something that our pastor from Kansas told me when I was contemplating annulling our marriage only 3 months after we were married… (things got really crazy when we got married). He said, ” God has anointed this marriage. It is up to you to stick with it. You can follow what you know and leave and continue that chain…(I come from a family of a lot of divorces, I was divorced, and people leave when it gets hard) or you can break that cycle. Let God work in and through this marriage and change what you know and what your kids know.” From that moment on, we knew that we were in this for the long haul (Thank you, Pastor Paul).

The enemy knew too. He has continued to throw things at us and our kids… He probably will too.. But as the Bible tells us – We are overcomers… and our lives, our marriage, and our kids will show that. All to the glory of Him. We know that we don’t have to be a statistic… and we won’t. I have never settled for the statistics that have been placed on me and don’t plan to start now. We know that even when we don’t understand and when our reality of what is happening is bleak and hopeless – we remember the true reality of what is happening and that it is no surprise to God – He has it all handled.

So to all the parents out there – to all the husbands and wives out there – when it seems like there is no hope in the situation… remember that we are only seeing the right now and the reality of the right now isn’t the reality tomorrow or the true reality of what God is doing and can see. Keep getting up. Keep loving. Keep forgiving. Keep trying. and when you can’t get up… when you can’t keep loving or forgiving or trying… do not be ashamed and reach out to those that will walk through it with you… and most importantly – KEEP PRAYING.